Curiosity as a Doorway Back to Yourself

If you tend to be very hard on yourself, you probably don’t need another reminder to “be more compassionate.”

You already know that.

For many years, like many of us, I was deeply critical of how I showed up, the way I spoke, and many things in between.

Even when something went well, the satisfaction never lasted very long. I would quickly return to my default way of relating to myself, which was rooted in judgment.

Comparison came easily and automatically. In the many arenas, I would always find several reasons why I was inadequate and why someone else was better than me.

Social skills were one of the biggest sources of self-judgment for me. I would notice guys who were confident, outgoing, and popular, and manage to use that as evidence that I was somehow flawed. As if their confidence and skill proved something fundamental about my lack.

Career success was another. My mind would look for and fixate on people who had achieved impressive things and conclude that I was somehow behind and not enough.

Sometimes I would be walking past offices at 8 in the evening and see people still working, something I wouldn’t even want for myself. Yet my mind would still use that as evidence that they were better than me, more disciplined, more worthy.

For most of my life, I believed this voice completely. I would feel sorry for myself and stay stuck in that cycle. Judgment would lead to insecurity, and insecurity would lead to more judgment.

When things began to soften

What began to shift things surprisingly quickly was approaching that voice with a sense of curiosity. Rather than trying to silence it, argue with it, prove it wrong, or do my best to get rid of it, I became genuinely curious about what it had to say, and even started to communicate with it, sharing that it hurts when I am criticized so harshly as it did.

What soon started to happen was that the tone of the judgments became less harsh. And soon later, less frequent.

What I started to realize was that this voice wasn’t cruel by nature, but it was genuinely afraid. Afraid of me not having enough money. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of not belonging, not being chosen, not being safe … and all the situations it feared and wanted to avoid.

And realizing that changed everything.

I realized the voice wasn’t an enemy that wanted to sabotage my life; rather, it was an ally trying in its own clumsy way to protect me from the threats it was perceiving, all out of genuine love for me.

What it needed was kindness, compassion, and a relationship with me. The reassurance that I will be okay and that I can handle things when they come my way.

It had to realize that I’m no longer the young boy who needed shielding. What that part of me really wanted was to feel safe, and I was the only one who could offer it that.

So my invitation to you is to experiment with curiosity for a short while and see what if it helps.

It might spark a change in you that it did for me.